New year…what does that equate to? A new me? A new era? A new chapter? A new beginning? All of the above?
Eh, to be honest, I’ve gotten incredibly sick of New Year’s resolutions last year given that my daily life became so energy-taxing in itself that I couldn’t keep myself as accountable with my long-term goals as I usually would. I’ve established, at least for my personal life, that it’s more important to improve yourself on a regular basis than an annual one. Set pursuits for yourself every day, every week, every month, and allow yourself to grow in smaller increments than in one full blow. After all, that’s really the true nature of growth–you don’t wake up as an adult one day, you become an adult after many, many years.
To summarize this year in one sentence is an arduous challenge. Let’s classify this as how Ariana Grande summed up her own experience–“best for her career, worst for her life”–given that my blog’s statistics and social media following reached an all-time high record in traffic, yet behind the scenes, a convoluted twister of downfalls came my way. Similarly to her experience, there’s much forgiving I have to practice for myself, specifically. I know much of what I’ve come across is not in my control, but I did not always handle these hurdles in the most practical ways.
Truth is, I lost a lot this year. Many opportunities, a couple of memories, and a handful of relationships–many of them I will never retrieve again. I cried more this year than I ever have. I encountered more than enough days where I wanted to travel back in time, redo history, or nix it all together. I got stuck in a position where even feeling normal seemed difficult. I began to relive the moments that traumatized me back in eighth grade–the trauma of neglect, rejection, hopelessness, fear, and turbulence. Everything that anguished me in my youth returned, simply taken in a different form that mandated a different type of introspection that I still have to work on.
Another truth: I also learned a lot. I truly found the best lifestyle I possibly could have in terms of diet and exercise. Eating pizza on Wednesdays and salads on a Friday or a Saturday is enjoyable and easy for me now! Same with taking more than one rest day out of the week or walking less than 10,000 steps a day if necessary. The world can be cruel, which is something that we need to change. It is critical to experience the worst emotions to their most intensive degrees to gain the most insight and to enjoy the counter-positive emotions to their most intensive degrees in the future. Stitches can mend wounds but scars remain in the flesh. Take every opportunity you can to be honest with yourself and to others about yourself. There is always more to discover, so never give up even if you’ve felt like you’ve tried far too many times. Say what’s on your mind, not what everybody else wants to hear. Additionally, not everything has a rationale, but everything has an explicable reason.
This isn’t to say that I don’t regret anything. I truly believe I could have proceeded with certain aspects of my life differently. I recognize that, oftentimes, I was dishonest with myself. I attempted to convince myself that I was satisfied when I wasn’t. Several times, I acted emotionally rash enough for me to endanger those around myself and others. I almost convinced myself that I was pointless, and the last that this world needs is another harm to society. All my intentions mean well. I can simply feel so helpless without any resources that the best plan seems to be not dealing with them at all and doing nothing but lie down while staring at the ceiling.
There were many chances I could have taken had I made alternative decisions in the past. Then again, I still hold the understanding that everything, everyone, and every event has its own unique significance. I am on time and I am where I need to be. This idea may not seem legitimate to me on a daily basis, but really, at the end of it all, it really does persevere to truth. Candidness, utmost understanding, and critical introspection have been my three musketeers this year.
To all the people I have met this year: I genuinely hope that I served you of purpose. I aim to gratify your days with insight, growth, and happiness (though not everyone I’ve encountered experienced the latter with me). I aspire to be part of your story and hopefully I wasn’t just another body walking past you in the background. Truth is, I may not wish the best for you right now. I genuinely may want you to feel the same amount of pain that I have, if not more, at least for the time being. Still, I appreciate you all and I will for eternity, even if you wounded me multiple times. Later on, I intend to do the same with more people.
Ultimately, I still experience grief every now and then. It genuinely is nothing new and I no longer think about the tougher times as often. That may seem pretty depressing, but it’s actually benefited me more than ever because I can cope with it more composedly. Not every year has to begin or end with rainbows and sunshine. After all, none of that can happen without the storms and the darkness.
What are my intentions for 2019? As of now, my ambitions are set for whatever I will come across in the year. There are no concrete goals I’ve set as of now, but they generally encompass learning to adapt to times of uncertainty and gain more trust in myself. To be frank, I have absolutely no clue of what 2019 will bestow. Maybe it will be the greatest yest for my life. Maybe it will be even worse. All I know is that this year has prepared me more than enough for other challenges to come and to express more gratitude than ever for my accomplishments.
Farewell, 2018. You were the hardest year yet. I haven’t forgiven you entirely, but I appreciate you for what you’ve granted me.