superfitbabe

On the scale of Satan’s earwax to the ice cream of the Gods, how would I rate my…

Physical appearance?

• Japanese sweet potatoes dusted with cinnamon. It’s warm, internally energizing, comforting, aromatic, and healthy, but it’s not for everybody. Or alternatively, it could be seitan beef. Not the real deal (as if it has to be though), but pretty much tastes the same! Eh, it’s more like seitan beef. Does the job, but it isn’t for everyone.

Emotional stability?

• An onion. Why? Onions have layers. My emotional stability has layers.

Intelligence?

• Boba tea with soymilk. You need to mix it around a bit for it to taste great! If you don’t, you’ll end up with plain over-sweetened soymilk tea with grains of Thai tea at the bottom. Blech.

Health state?

• Cookie dough. Perfect in its own way, but incomplete without some extra guidance (in the form of an oven?).

Organization skills?

• Perfectly wrapped and bundled-up boxes of the best snacks. Alternative, they can be like pumpkin pie chai-spiced banana bread with toasted coconut and walnuts.

Decisiveness?

• Leftover sloppy lentil joes slapped on untoasted bread with vegan cheese I “tried” to melt (but totally failed at). Cold, scattered, and unbearable.

Patience?

• Raw asparagus…with straight-up ground coffee…and with black pepper…and with yellow mustard.

Dancing skills?

• A box of a dozen vegan donuts. One row completely frosted or glazed, one row loaded with decadent fillings, and one row with anything extra. I want to eat them all, but I shouldn’t. Just like dancing.

Discipline?

• Cinnamon-turmeric-maca-ashwaganda-unicorn-glitter-and-pixie-dusted apple pie skillet with sea salt vanilla ice cream.

Singing voice?

• A secret menu. Because it’s a secret.

Lip-syncing skills?

• Betty Crocker.

Ability to maintain relationships?

• Cinnamon stovetop popcorn. You’ll have your perfectly airy and crunchy kernels, but also some blackened and burnt ones. Imperfect, but hits the spot every single time.

Sushi-rolling?

• Similarly to how someone would try to fold an omelet perfectly and then decide to make scrambled eggs. In this case, mine would be a chickpea flour scramble instead of an omelet.

Fear of heights?

• Creamy peanut butter chia pudding made with goji berries, coconut shreds, chia seeds, the best peanut butter-flavored vegan protein powder, and lots of love. But I have to actually eat it to realize its deliciousness, just like how I need to look down to experience the fear.

Fear of rodents?

• Just………no.

Would you follow a rating scale based on food?